Presents…
The Grouchy Chef: Stove-Side Stories

One thing about being a private chef… you don’t just cook meals.
You witness conversations that make you question reality.

I was cooking a private dinner for a vegan couple. Everything was going smooth. I’m focused, locked into the stove, minding my business, chef mode fully activated.

Then the husband starts telling his wife a story…

He says,
“When I was at my neighbor’s house, I had to use the bathroom. When I came out, Tre looked at me and said, ‘Hey bruh… don’t come back over here. We ain’t got no toilet paper in there and you just took a whole dump.’”

I paused…
Looked over…
Then went right back to cooking. Because as chefs, we learn early that some conversations are above our pay grade.

Then he turns to me and asks:

“Hey Chef… do you think it’s normal to wipe after you go #2?”

Now I’m thinking this has to be a trick question… but I answered honestly.

“Yeah… I do.”

He looks dead serious and says:

“You know, people bodies be messed up. You don’t see cows or animals wiping when they poop. Why y’all wiping anyway?”

Then this man starts laughing like he just solved human evolution.

I stayed professional.
Finished the meal.
Cleaned up.
Thanked them for the opportunity.

Driving home I caught myself thinking…
“Hold up… is he onto something??”

Then common sense kicked back in like…
“Nah… them vegans always think they better than us.” 😂

But moments like that remind me of something…

When people feel comfortable around food, they don’t just eat.
They reveal how they think.

Moments like that remind me that being invited into someone’s home isn’t just service… it’s trust.

And chefs? We just stand at the stove quietly collecting stories.

From the stove… I observe.
Sometimes I learn.
Always I cook.

— Your Favorite Grouchy Chef
Big Stokes Food